Entertainment value

When you read something like this:

i was born in USA while my parent are UK citizen,i have my high school and college in the state and when i finished my college,and also had my [specific degree] in the uk [name redacted] university. i work for [employer's name redacted] [industry redacted],im the only child of one and a small family and my parent are old,im a man who's looking for a woman to please me. Someone to share personal moments with, enjoy life and to firmly hold the blessings of a lasting and undying happiness. I am one man born to please not to tease. I am educated with high goals, morals, and integrity. I am a once in a life time offer, every man and woman's dream.i have my job that earns me money and im satisfy with it,i like to watch movie anytime im less busy and listen to cool music......hope u would find me interesting

…it makes you wonder if the person's first language is English. Plus, when he IM'd me, he asked what luck I'd had meeting "ladys" on the internet. I replied, "I don't meet 'ladys' on the internet. I am a lady." But am I? Heh.

Grateful for: command of the English language.

Miss Jane

I've been poking around on the free dating site for the last couple of weeks. Given that I'm engaged in a dead-end relationship, the least I can do is explore the virtual dating world. I expect nothing to come from it, but it is a tangible reminder that I have options. Since when did the virtual become tangible and real life become ethereal? Only I could end up in this kind of muddle.

Anyway. The other day, a guy who has this statement in his profile, "Women tell me I resemble Omar Sharif in 'Dr. Zhivago,'" (he doesn't) sent me an email.

The email read, "Can I be your Mr. Rochester? We're closer in age than he was to Jane."

My answer to the question, "what is your favorite book?" is Jane Eyre. While I do love Jane Eyre, it's just my canned response. I couldn't begin to figure out what my favorite book it. I love the Claudine series by Collette. I love most of Dashiell Hammett's novels (I didn't love The Dain Curse or Red Harvest, but at least one of those made a fine Samurai picture) and all of his short stories. I've read everything I could get my hands on by F. Scott Fitzgerald, including a screenplay and juvenilia. I've read five (that's all, I believe) of Jean Rhys's novels (ironically (?) The Wide Sargasso Sea is my least favorite). I've read every word written by each Brontë sister and all of Jane Austen. A lot of Dostoevsky's--I think The Brothers Karamazov is one of the best books ever written. I've also read War and Peace (I did skim the essay bits), Moby Dick and Daniel Deronda (mostly impressive for its length). And Middlemarch. Don't forget my early love of Henry James. I've read most of his early shorter works and the lengthy, but rewarding, Portrait of a Lady. I've read most of the post-western output of Elmore Leonard and most of John D. MacDonald, including the pre-Travis McGee pulp. I can't possibly pick a favorite. However, I've probably re-read Jane Eyre more than any book except The Thin Man. I might even be due to read it again soon.

But you know what my first reaction to the message was? "Do you think I'm plain or what?"

Vanity triumphs!

Grateful for: all those great books.

Weekend dating summary

I'm on a break, really! Ok, not really.

Date with Jumper on Saturday afternoon
What we did: sat a bar and chatted for a couple of hours.
Outcome: Pleasant, no spark, slight chance of seeing him again.

Guy in bar, later Saturday afternoon
What I did: went to watch the end of a basketball game after my date. I met a guy (Kansas) I really liked .
Outcome: Kansas asked for my number and said he'd call me on Sunday. I gave him my number but he didn't call (yet). I'm disappointed.

Diego, Saturday night
What we did: go to the movies.
Outcome: it's not a "date" because Diego is my friend and he's gay. We had a good time.

Super Bowl party, Sunday evening
What I did: went to a party at a colleague's house where I expected to see at least one single guy, Wayne, from work. In fact, there was another single guy there who I, and each single woman at the party, spent at least 15-20 minutes talking to. Dude was working the room! Can't blame him.
Outcome: I enjoyed watching the game and don't expect to ever see the single guy again, but the mild flirting was fun.

Work, first thing this morning
What happened: TR comes into my office and tells me he was at a Super Bowl party last night with a bunch of lawyers. His coupled friends mention this great single guy they know who is looking to meet someone. TR mentions me. He asks if I'm interested and I say, "Sure, I'm not proud. Now what?"
Outcome: yet to be determined. Initially, mild amusement.

Grateful for: not dating.

Drop me a line.

Cutie

Hello internet friends! I'm sorry to say that due to an excess of WORKING at WORK, I got nothing today. At least nothing much. I will share this absolutely precious email I received yesterday via the nameless site:

hello cutie
I saw your profile on NAMELESS_SITE.COM and i find you so cool ...I Actually got a mail from NAMELESS_SITE.COM & i decided to register with them,So as you can see.I`m new here..I really don`t like chating with people here online..Cause there are lot of liar cheat & people who are only interested in sex,i rather stay off the PC when i have nothing doing...Kindly view my profile http://profiles.yahoo.com/i_am_crazy Or IM me on my YAHOO ID i_am_crazy..If you`re interested in geting to know me better..Thanks

I think we have a winner! Bonus: he lives in California. (Identifying information was changed to protect his idiocy.)

Happy weekending all!

PS I do indeed appear to have a date with Jumper tomorrow. Don't get too excited; someone may cancel at the last minute.

Grateful for: better things to read.

Drop me a line.

Who you gonna write?

In the world of online dating, there are emails you are thrilled to get and can't wait to answer. Then there are ones like this:

I'm Stan

How's it going. I work in Dc and Live in Springfield, just wondering if you would like to meet for coffee or dinner or both at the same time if that's humanly possible...

Thanks

Love your smile and specs

Stan D

stand@email.com

I can't bring myself to write back to this guy, even to give him a gentle "no." A few things that bother me about the message:

1. The peremptory invite. No chit-chat, no warm up, just straight to: go out with me. In real life this can be a plus, but in the online dating world, not so much.
2. He loves my smile and specs, and, hey, who doesn't? But he clearly hasn't read my specs. For example, on this site there is a place to state how you feel about kids and there is another place to state how the person you're looking for feels about kids. The answer I gave is not one of his acceptable answers, which suggests that he wasn't paying attention to what I wrote and just went by the pictures. This is normal but annoying.
   
3. The inclusion of his real email address. Not a deal breaker, but I'll only go "off-site" with someone after a couple of friendly exchanges. This guy is pushing me to go there without finding out how I feel. It's aggressive and almost icky.

I feel a smidge of guilt about not responding but I don't want to deal with him.

In contrast, here's an exchange I initiated with another guy:

Jamy: [He has a pic where he appears to be in a mid-air jump.] Who says white men can't jump? Or is that just a favorable angle in the pic?

Jumper: HaHa! No camera trick or hidden wires, but this white man can't jump. (aka. I have ZERO ups) But...i enjoy trying.
So are you more of a Dupont, Adams Morgan, or ????? kinda gal?
[Redacted: comments that reflect that he's actually read my profile, including something about my cat.]

Jamy: I am also a "low" jumper, but I can set a mean pick. Or at least I used to be able to.
[Redacted: stuff about my neighborhood and my cat.]

Jumper: I'm definitely a pick setter as opposed to a jump shooter, so I can totally identify.
[Redacted: more info about where he lives and what he likes to do.]

Jamy: [Redacted: long response to questions about neighborhoods and what I like to do.]
Maybe we should have a beer sometime. Next week? You can write to me at [real email].

I'll probably never meet Jumper, but I went ahead and pulled the trigger because I enjoyed "talking" to him. The route we took makes a lot more sense to me. Some quick, pithy emails about tastes and habits (not about our deepest values) that helped us develop a rapport. When my messages got longer, he matched me. We didn't interview each other...all of that stuff can wait for an in-person meeting. Even if we never meet, at least the exchange was entertaining.

UPDATE: Jumper sent a message to my "real" email account and I responded. We're narrowing in on the place but have not yet discussed an actual time or date to meet. I say the odds are against it happening, but he's a decent correspondent and it would probably be fun to meet at least once.

Grateful for: good email.

Drop me a line.

Spare me

I found out this weekend that I'm a great-aunt. My 20-year-old (or is he 21 now?) nephew, who got married in March '06, just had a baby. That makes my dad a great-grandfather and, more shockingly (for me and Dad), my brother a grandfather. It's one thing to be an aunt many times over, and another when your nephew starts having kids--but to think that one of your siblings is a grandparent--that's a mighty strange feeling.

Dad left me a message on Saturday saying there was some "family news" and that I should call. He'd also left me a message on Friday. I haven't told him about my break up with Owen and I wasn't looking forward to it, which is one reason I didn't call him back on Friday. I never had to tell Mom, because she read it on the blog (hi Mom!). Not that I wish Dad were reading, oh no, but it sure made breaking this particular bit of news easier.

Based on Dad's upbeat tone of voice in Saturday's message, I guessed what the news was and I called Dad. He wasn't home, so my stepmother broke the news and expressed her reluctance to claim the title "great-grandmother." Can't say I blame her. (Aside: why isn't it grand-nephew and grand-aunt?)

On Monday, as is his wont, Dad called me at work. We talked about the baby (who still doesn't have a name), other family stuff and the war (Dad is in favor of anti-war rallies). I was getting going on my political soapbox when Dad changed course on me and said, "So, what about your life? Why didn't Owen go with you to the rally?"

Good question, Dad! "Um because we broke up."

He said, "I was wondering when that was going to happen."

Ouch. "That's a nice thing to say."

"I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sorry to hear that."

Heh, nice save. I said, "Well, I don't even know if Owen would have gone to the protest." I gave Dad the run down on what happened and why I wasn't traumatized. "I'm not perfect, but I wouldn't have done anything differently, he granted that I'd been reasonable in my expectations all along and he said he couldn't be a good boyfriend. The end." It's getting easier to talk about it all the time. Hooray.

Dad said, "I know you're not interested in this, but have you tried any of that online dating? Would you consider it?"

"Um, yeah, I've done it all."

"Really? You never told me! You've been lying to me."

I said, "You know, I don't tell you about every single thing I do in every aspect of my life...it's not..."

"No, I understand." I'm not sure he does.

"Look," I said, "online dating works better for shy people or people who are so picky they will only date people with a specific resume." (No, I'm not sure I actually believe that.) I didn't elaborate further because Dad had to tell me something he'd read about people in England placing ironic ads in a literary magazine. The ad he described was a man describing himself in an unflattering fashion. I've read ads like that and I've even been tempted to answer one, but I always wonder, exactly what kind of person would describe himself as an ugly misanthrope?

I said, "I don't think that would work for women."

"Oh? They interviewed women too."

"Well, men care a lot more about how you look than women do. I mean, women care, but not as much."

"Yes, that's probably true."

Finally, we moved on to other more comfortable topics and soon after that, ended the call. Telling Dad about the break up wasn't so bad, but he sure would like to see me get married.

I know exactly how he feels.

Grateful for: telling Dad.

Drop me a line.

One of them

I've become one of "them." One of those online "daters" who is not actually available for dating. But there is one important difference--I know I'm not available. Not only do I know it, but I will tell. I can't pat myself on the back for this, though, because it's still misleading. Having an active profile and engaging in any type of conversation is bound to give the impression that you are available even if you frankly state the opposite.

I know I've dealt with my fair share of these folks and I've chronicled some of the encounters here. Remember the fellow who answered an email after a two month delay? What about the guy who exchanged daily emails with me, drunk emailed me and drunk dialed me, but would never agree to meet. I didn't bother to share the stories of the more mundane encounters.

These are the folks who feel the need to try but, for whatever reason, are not actually available to date. I could be due to impossible schedules, emotional scarring, recovery time from a break up--but these folks are not ready for a relationship. They will chat and email with you indefinitely, they might even call you, but when it comes down to it, you are never meeting one of them for a drink.

How do I know I've become one of them? Beyond my self-aware disinclination towards romance at the moment? The other day, I was contacted via the free site by a very appropriate man. My age (shocking), good looking, not creepy. I mentioned that I was planning to watch football and he asked if I wanted to watch a game with him. I did have other game watching plans, but it was a good idea for a first date. But I balked. I had no desire to meet him. I hemmed and hawed and he finally said, "Why don't you give me your number and I can call you this week and make a date for next weekend? Or you can get my number..." I immediately took him up on his offer and gave him my number. He gave me his, but with no expectation that I would call him. He said, "This is my number so you can recognize it when I call." How modern-proper.

You know how I feel about this? I seriously hope he doesn't call. I don't want to go out on a date with a stranger. I don't want to make an impression. I don't want to deal with it. I have no idea how I'll handle it if he does call. Will I get over myself and agree to meet? Will I screen his calls and never answer?  It's such an odd feeling to be one of "them." I hope it doesn't last too long.


Grateful for: offers.

Drop me a line.

Book review: I Love You, Let's Meet

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was sent an advance copy of I Love You, Let's Meet by Virginia Vitzthum. Much to my surprise, I liked it. Quite a lot, actually. It was a bit in the vein of Unhooked Generation but much less pretentious. The book is a series of stories about people's experiences with online dating. The stories are interlaced with the author's reflections on the differences between dating sites, the advantages and pitfalls of meeting people online and her personal experiences. Ms. Vitzthum has her doubts and hasn't exactly met with success but still thinks the online dating enterprise is worthwhile.

Ms. Vitzthum effectively captures the pathos involved in the search for love. I enjoyed reading about the successes and failures of people who sincerely tried to make their online meetings evolve into real life relationships. I found the author sympathetic because, like me, most of her online dates haven't evolved into more than a second date.

The book is very well written. The stories were interesting, compelling and humorous. It reads like a novel even though there isn't a narrative thread. Ms. Vitzthum's personal story ties the book together.

My one quibble is the use of "RL" instead of "real life." In an actual book, I'd rather have the words spelled out.

The book is funny, smart and insightful. I highly recommend it.
 
As a bonus, some of Ms. Vitzhum's friends made a delightful video to promote the book. I present it here for your viewing pleasure.



Grateful for: the chance to read a good book.

Drop me a line.

Not a gentleman

Tonight, I was going to go swing dancing, but I still can't face it. The long drive, the scary guys, the strangers, the pressure. I considered checking out a band closer to home...but that means sitting around, waiting for the band to start, not necessarily liking the music, and nothing to do to occupy myself between times. Why not just stay home, watch A Star is Born on PBS, SNL later, and get a solid night's sleep? It's probably not even a stretch to blame two Saturday nights at home on the break up.

I planned to go out last Saturday too. But, just like last week, I'm not going anywhere. I should probably cut myself some slack. I was social two nights this week. This morning, I went to hot yoga and this afternoon I went grocery shopping. Not exactly a thrill a minute, but not bad either.

I am doing something that doesn't really count as getting out there--I became active again on the free (dating) site. My attitude and approach is much different than during the last go-round. I'm not terribly interested in dates. I mean, if I met someone wonderful, I wouldn't say no, but deliberately seeking out romance is not appealing. What IS appealing is flirting. And telling my sad stories to strangers. I may have talked more about my break up to imaginary internet friends than to real life friends.

I've had a couple of interesting conversations, including one that kept me home and entertained last Saturday night. I've "met" one young guy who wants to be friends (he has a girlfriend). While I doubt we'll ever meet in real life, I enjoy chatting with him.

Yesterday, I was approached online by a man about ten years older than me. His pics were fine, but what caught my eye is that he mentioned the Eden Center in his profile. I've written about it before, but I absolutely love the Eden Center. I sent him a quick email expressing that sentiment. He IM'd me in return and we started to chat. Then, after a few minutes, he said, "Oh, I see you are Jewish. And that you went to Israel." (I have a picture posted that was taken when I was in Israel last March, labeled as such.) And then, abruptly, the chat was over. The site can be a little funky, so I re-opened the chat window and sent him a message. No answer. Today, I emailed him to find out what happened. No response.

I think he stopped talking to me because I'm Jewish. This is a quote from his profile, "My grandfather told me that the most important things in life all revolve around relationships. Your relationships with God, your family & friends; I try to follow those values." I wonder, does following those values include refusing to chat with me because I'm Jewish? There were so many different ways he could have handled it...for example, by just saying, "I'm sorry, this won't work for me." That wouldn't have bothered me in the least. Not to mention that he obviously initially contacted me without reading one word of my profile. What a dolt!

Bonus: his user name incorporates the word "gentleman." What would grandpa have to say about that?

Grateful for: indifference.

Drop me a line.