The Slog

I guess I am doing that thing where I work toward a deadline. I did finish (sort of) one thing last week. I passed my draft to a junior staffer and...I don't think she's going to get things very advanced. But let me try and reserve judgement for now. I am still going through my notes writing up a different report. I went to that same staffer's notes--she was the notetaker for a series of interviews--and what she has and what I have don't match. Not that they don't match, but that I can find part of the conversation or certain key words in her notes! So I had to go back to the recording. Luckily, there is an auto-transcribe feature in Word, so now I'm reading though and trying to find the missing spot from her notes to clarify what I wrote. I didn't manage last night, so I will pick up where I left off. The problem is that I spent most of yesterday distracting myself from actual work and by the time I started my investigation, it was time for dinner. 

Anyway. This is my boring life! I did manage to go on a bike ride on Monday. I really need to move around more and just leaving the house while I'm working from home is a huge effort. Actually, I went to the office on Friday. Usually I bike, but this time I took Jimmy's car (it's parked in front of mine, I never drive so my battery was certainly dead). I had some issues at the parking garage. Then the meeting I was there for was canceled. A very frustrating day--but at least I left the house!

Yesterday, was my first volunteering session of the year at the local school. The first year, I was a monitor for kindergarten lunch and recess, which I grew to love. The second year, I did math tutoring the first half of the year, and reading tutoring the second half. The math tutoring went surprisingly well--I was with the same group of 4th & 5th graders every week and we all made progress. The reading was frustrating because my original kid was not actually supposed to be in the tutoring program and after he was gone, I never had the same kids more than two weeks in a row, so it was pretty frustrating. This year, I'm going during the school day and helping in a 5th grade classroom. 

So yesterday, I got there a little early because I had no idea where to go. I did get guidance eventually, after the front office person asked several times if I were a sub. So I got to the classroom, met the teacher, watched one group of kids leave the room and then another file in. I guess the 5th grade students move between three different teachers? Odd. Anyway, class got in and settled. The teacher did not introduce me and went straight into her planned lesson. I sat in the back, patiently (sort of), for 50 minutes while the teacher taught! There were two special needs kids in the class, and one was rather disruptive, but mostly things went fine. But by minute 50 I was really wondering what the hell I was doing there! I'd put my phone away when I got there since our count has a cell phone ban in public schools, but at that point I surreptitiously texted Jimmy out of frustration. But just a couple of minutes later, the teacher gave the kids an assignment and sent three of them to the back table and asked me to work with them. I introduced myself and we got to work. All three were from Ethiopia and English was their second language. So this is why I'm there and it was good! The kids were really sweet and seemed happy to have my help. 

After class was over, I had a brief talk with the teacher. She said she will try and reorganize things to make better use of my time. I was grateful but also said she shouldn't change things just on my account. Selfishly, I hope she does! I'm only there once a week for about an hour and it would be great if we can maximize my usefulness. Any stress I can take off the teacher, I am there for! I also asked if I should move around and help with the kids, and she seemed to say that would be fine! But I think she will need to introduce me to the kids before I feel comfortable intervening with the special needs kids, but I think we'll get there. 

Grateful for: volunteering.

Background

Are things any better? I had a long weekend and did no work at all, despite the pressing need for work. While I still don't feel confident that I can get everything done, I do feel a little better. Ironic (?), because physically I feel worse. I never felt right yesterday and I'm in another vertigo cycle, which probably explains it. I really hate the vertigo, but it always goes away eventually. 

I'm actually on a call/in a meeting right now but I'm just listening. Ok, it's over now. I learned very little, but it was more an introductory call and I'm part of a larger team, so it's fine that I learned a little. I learned the name of the project I may eventually have a very small part of!

We were supposed to go to a community meeting last night, but I really wasn't up for it and Jimmy wasn't going alone (too bad really!). Instead we just watched TV per usual. I spent most of they day sleeping in, finishing a silly book, and watching movies. I also tried not to feel guilty for being lazy and not reading something more edifying. Jimmy said, "there's plenty of time." Not sure I agree, but I just lazed around anyway. I did make myself some coffee and breakfast. That was pretty much all the activity! I do wish I'd felt better because it was a beautiful day and would've been perfect for a bike ride. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon and get out there on a ride. 

Grateful for: a lazy day. 

Overwhelming

Apparently when I'm well and truly overwhelmed with work, I go back to blogging! Like there is way, way too much work to do. And all the normal and seasonal things to do. This week, I have evening plans--three nights in a row! One is for a "gala" dinner. I was assured by Diego that "business formal" is ok for dress. I no longer have a suit that fits, but I will find something that works. No need for fancy dress up, which I also don't have. 

Work, though, is impossible. I have too many tasks that only I can do. And even if I could delegate more, I'm still the "final authority" on the product. And all while everything is due all at once...I am not able to focus for more than a few minutes at a time. 

Also today we had several "guys" at the house. Two different guys came to look at our HVAC system because we keep getting an error message on our very fancy thermostat. One guy might still be here. The other guy rebuilt the steps to our kitchen door earlier this year. He was back to work on our deck--first power washing it, then he will come back later to sand, patch, and paint. And replace a few rotted boards. I really don't enjoy owning a house. 

I also baked a cake. None of this is helping me get my work done. 

Grateful for: trying a new cake recipe. 

Motivation

Today I had a doctor's appointment in the morning. I left really early and then realized I left my keys at home. (We have keypad locks, so I only need my keys for my bike lock.) I'd only gotten a mile away and I should've just ridden back. Instead I called Jimmy. This was silly since him driving to where I was would take as long (or longer) than riding back. So, he started driving, and I started riding home, figuring I'd meet him along the way. And, I was on our block and I saw him pulling out but he didn't see me...and he went the "wrong" way! I got so upset/angry. Somehow we figured it out and he handed me the keys. I don't know why I get angry so easily. And did Jimmy do anything wrong? Not really. Sigh. 

Anyway, I got to the doctor in plenty of time. I get to see her twice a year now (getting old is fun!), but the visit was uneventful and everything is status quo. Other than I need to do better at stress management (haha!), which probably means more exercise. Which I already knew. 

When I finally got home, after taking two calls on the way, I just sat in the kitchen reading random things and scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. I could not get myself upstairs to work. And I have a very long list of things I have to do. I also meant to work on Sunday--I got in a couple of hours. But I just don't want to do the things I have to do! In my scrolling, I came across a video about procrastination. It repeated the idea that procrastination doesn't mean you're lazy. He said one should say to oneself, "this isn't procrastination, it's a protection pattern." But, even if this is true, what I am protecting myself from? 

Grateful for: not being lazy. 

New Mexico

Week before last, Jimmy and I went to New Mexico. It was a work trip for me, but we stayed over the weekend for a mini vacation. I really love the country out there and I assigned this particular site visit to myself, but somehow managed to overlap the first travel day with Yom Kippur. I felt really stupid and a low about it, but fasting while flying and running around airports just isn't feasible, though I did eat very little. Since we flew on SW that was pretty easy. Mostly I drank water and eventually had a yogurt before eating a real dinner. Sigh. 

The trip was a success and I was very happy to be out in Santa Fe and environs, though the altitude got to me a bit. I was frustrated that all the ideas about what to do and see came from me and Jimmy was always like, "just happy to be here." Come on--have an opinion! Anyway, it was fine, but something he promises (another sigh) to work on. 

Getting back to normal is a struggle, as usual. I owe many people phone calls. I want to talk to them and yet...it feels overwhelming. Work is overwhelming! Life is a lot. One fun/silly thing is that I've picked up my fountain pen habit again. When we do interviews, I take notes by hand and I dared to bring one of my favorite pens with me. It's not a super fancy one, but holds a lot of ink. I thought I broke it recently while trying to disassemble for cleaning, but I figured it out and got the pen working again. I used to never fly with fountain pens, but I read that it's fine and the trick is to keep the pen upright during takeoff and landing. I did that by clipping it to my shirt and it worked perfectly. So, small hobbies, small pleasures, and just keeping on seems to be what I can do right now. 

Grateful for: moving and working. 

Well...

I do think about the blog even though it's been a year since wrote anything. First, I still have my job, I am still living with my partner, we still don't get along as well as I would like. 

Work: Right before the government shutdown that stared Oct. 1, 2025, we heard that the competitions for 4 proposals we had submitted were canceled. Not only did we lose 4 contracts, we also lost up to 4 new awards. Poof--gone. It was maddening! Why did the agency put out RFPs and then cancel them? That was nuts. Certainly other firms had also written proposal. Federal worker read and reviewed our proposals. They had probably made selections! And then it was all gone. Or so we thought. 

In January 2026, one of those projects was awarded to us! And I am the boss (Principal Investigator/Project Manager)! Since then, I've been running. I have a couple of other things I've had to work on, but this big one takes a lot of my time. It's great. It's something I really care about. I get to run around the country on site visits (exhausting), and my counterpart on the government side is a good friend from my old office. I feel lucky. I also feel old and wonder how much longer I want to keep going at this pace. I can do it but I'd like to work less and read more and bike more. Just be stuck at my desk less. Maybe after this project is over? 

Grateful for: interesting work. 

Through the looking glass

I'm living in a world that was unimaginable to me until everything started crashing down. I know what is happening, what the prez and his crony-in-chief are trying to do. They have had limited but devastating success so far, but will they be able to completely dismantle the administrative state? I get really worked up whenever I talk about this stuff. I'm furious and dismayed. It actually hit my company because most of our work is via federal contracts. Four of our contracts were summarily canceled for "convenience" last week. One contract was almost complete--we were writing the final report! Everything is a lie, it's all for optics and crafting a narrative. It's most certainly not about waste, fraud, and abuse. 

I am fine. My partner has his job, which seems secure (though they work for federal entities). I have a lot of savings. My job is wobbly but should be fine for a few months. We'll try and find other work. We'll see. 

Grateful for: being a good saver. 

All is well

So the good--great!--news is that Mom doesn't have cancer, or at least they couldn't detect any. That means no radiation and no temporary relocation to Seattle. The latter is a little sad but I'm happy not to have my life disrupted in exactly that way. 

All that means is that life is back to feeling normal. I am busy, biking all the time, letting work build up so I feel busy. Here I am. Boring life and boring blog. 

Now the world isn't boring. It's a horror show. Feeling powerless as usual!

Grateful for: a cancer reprieve. 

Feelings

I've been in Seattle for about a week. Mom had surgery last week for a reoccurrence of her mouth cancer. Happily, her procedure took less than an hour and she only had to spend one night in the hospital. She is tired out but can speak normally and eat liquids and soft foods. 

I got to town a couple of days before surgery and overheard most of her call with her therapist. I will say, this man is a miracle. He's gone with her to some of her medical appointments and is helping her tremendously with her anxiety. He told her to try and stay in the present moment, so I've been echoing that suggestion. She will focus on the worst case scenario and it only makes her more anxious. He also said something about me and was she worried about my feelings. I think he suggested asking me. In that moment, I looked inside and I felt...nothing. I am just here. I need to be here and I am doing my best. Turns out that means adjusting the water heater thermostat, replacing the bathroom thermostat (a job much more difficult than it should've been), and replacing and wiring up a new stereo system. 

Of course I do have feelings. Back home, I dreamt about having to divvy up Mom's stuff and wondering who would want her things. It's almost impossible for me to imaging her being gone. She is turning 84 in days so it is inevitable...but I cannot quite get there. Maybe it's for the best. And maybe that blank is inside me so I can continue to function and actually be supportive. When I was little and through my early and even mid-teens I was extremely close to Mom. As a child, I thought of her as my best friend, even though I eventually had a same-age best friend. As I formed more friendships with my peers, I was able to separate more from Mom. And then I started to selectively withhold information from her, especially after I moved across the country for grad school. I used to tell her about all the guys I dated until she started to talk about losing track. She could really hit me in all my weak spots so I stopped confiding everything in her. Even in my current relationship, if I start to complain about Jimmy, she will say "I can't listen anymore" and I will have to stop. Who can you complain to about your partner if your mom won't listen? So there is a bit of rift, though we have never stopped communicating. Maybe for her all those hurts are in the past, but some of the memories are quite live for me. I wonder if it's any different because I don't have kids? I suppose I would be dealing with things in quite a similar way. And any kids of mine would be pretty big by now but I don't know if I'd be able to drop everything and come out for a week. So maybe an up-side. 

I am less worried about going home because Mom has a lot of friends and some of the folks in her building have left flowers and other small gifts at her front door. We have talked about her moving to senior housing, but I dunno, if she could get regular help maybe staying put would be the best thing for her? I know she will be a bit lonely after I leave but she will have friends to fill in the gap and she will have her space to herself again. 

That said, she will almost certainly need a course of radiation in a few weeks. I'll come back for the last half of that process, which is supposed to be the hardest part. I plan on extended stay and Jimmy will come with me that time. 

Grateful for: family. 

Sick

I've been sick for a few days. Trying to work. Been on two walks this week. Still don't feel 100%. Have to head out to Seattle next week. Busy packing. 

Not a whole lot to say today but I'm still alive.

Grateful for: rest.