Day two

Can I say I’ve had this blog for almost 20 years? How is that even possible. The blog has existed that long, but my last break was literal years, so maybe it’s unfair to claim 20 years. A lot has happened in that time. 

I’m currently in a late mid-life crisis. A crisis of purpose. Certainly leaving my old government job was a first step on that path since the job was a big part of my identity. But I feel like I’m floating. Making fewer and fewer active decisions and rather letting things happen. What are my goals? I don’t know—the big goals have been met. Some are now out of reach. I own a home (not a goal) and a car (not a goal). I have a f-ton of money saved (goal, but without a purpose). I finished my PhD (goal!), I’ve done a lot of research and have several publications (goal?), though only a handful are peer reviewed (goal-ish).  Years ago, I published a short story (big goal!), but never submitted more work or seriously tried to write a novel (dream). They say you’re a writer if you’re writing, so I’m not a writer these days. Or I’m only a writer in the sense of my paid work, which involves a lot of very uncreative writing. 

The one writing assignment I had in the last few years were some scripts for a series of animated “explainer” videos. At some point, I realized the client wasn’t going to write the scripts and I was like, who has a degree in creative writing? Me! Who took a screenwriting class? Me! So I wrote the scripts. They were decent, sounded close to actual conversation (difficult when the purpose is to explain something), and included some low-key humor. Yes, I was a bit pleased with myself. Then the client reemerged from hibernation. He took my scripts and decimated them. No more natural conversation, no jokes, no laughs. It was so sad. I was sad. My one little work-related creative endeavor, crushed. But we did finish the videos and I was relieved that the project ended (it didn’t—we are working on an infographic, but the videos felt like an albatross). 

The other devastation is that we have a serious moth infestation in this house. Much of my knitting was ruined (20%?). Everything else I washed and heat-treated in the dryer (not tumbled), and then put in air-tight plastic bins. Not conducive to wearing and demotivating when it comes to future projects. I just picked up the needles again, but I am a discouraged knitter. 

And I think what is spurring all this self-reflection is that I recently got a bad performance review from a client. They said I was a disorganized and poorly prepared project manager. But the team was great and they are delighted with the products. WTF? How do you think you got great products if the PM was garbage? Anyway, I told my manager and then my manager told our CEO, and then they offered something that turned out to be “career” counseling. (In addition to my regular counseling and my couples counseling—oy vey.) It will be one two-hour session in a couple of weeks. And there is a big ass workbook and a bunch of writing exercises and I have to think about my goals and my future (what’s left of it) and I don’t wanna. 

Grateful for: thinking about goals.