Feelings

I've been in Seattle for about a week. Mom had surgery last week for a reoccurrence of her mouth cancer. Happily, her procedure took less than an hour and she only had to spend one night in the hospital. She is tired out but can speak normally and eat liquids and soft foods. 

I got to town a couple of days before surgery and overheard most of her call with her therapist. I will say, this man is a miracle. He's gone with her to some of her medical appointments and is helping her tremendously with her anxiety. He told her to try and stay in the present moment, so I've been echoing that suggestion. She will focus on the worst case scenario and it only makes her more anxious. He also said something about me and was she worried about my feelings. I think he suggested asking me. In that moment, I looked inside and I felt...nothing. I am just here. I need to be here and I am doing my best. Turns out that means adjusting the water heater thermostat, replacing the bathroom thermostat (a job much more difficult than it should've been), and replacing and wiring up a new stereo system. 

Of course I do have feelings. Back home, I dreamt about having to divvy up Mom's stuff and wondering who would want her things. It's almost impossible for me to imaging her being gone. She is turning 84 in days so it is inevitable...but I cannot quite get there. Maybe it's for the best. And maybe that blank is inside me so I can continue to function and actually be supportive. When I was little and through my early and even mid-teens I was extremely close to Mom. As a child, I thought of her as my best friend, even though I eventually had a same-age best friend. As I formed more friendships with my peers, I was able to separate more from Mom. And then I started to selectively withhold information from her, especially after I moved across the country for grad school. I used to tell her about all the guys I dated until she started to talk about losing track. She could really hit me in all my weak spots so I stopped confiding everything in her. Even in my current relationship, if I start to complain about Jimmy, she will say "I can't listen anymore" and I will have to stop. Who can you complain to about your partner if your mom won't listen? So there is a bit of rift, though we have never stopped communicating. Maybe for her all those hurts are in the past, but some of the memories are quite live for me. I wonder if it's any different because I don't have kids? I suppose I would be dealing with things in quite a similar way. And any kids of mine would be pretty big by now but I don't know if I'd be able to drop everything and come out for a week. So maybe an up-side. 

I am less worried about going home because Mom has a lot of friends and some of the folks in her building have left flowers and other small gifts at her front door. We have talked about her moving to senior housing, but I dunno, if she could get regular help maybe staying put would be the best thing for her? I know she will be a bit lonely after I leave but she will have friends to fill in the gap and she will have her space to herself again. 

That said, she will almost certainly need a course of radiation in a few weeks. I'll come back for the last half of that process, which is supposed to be the hardest part. I plan on extended stay and Jimmy will come with me that time. 

Grateful for: family.