All the rants

Yesterday on an internal call, we had a little discussion about public housing and various related things. One dude, who I have always known was a Republican said, "I'm a Bush guy, so no one will talk to me" but he also said he knew people with connections to the new administration...so someone will talk to him. Imagine openly saying you're a "Bush guy"--only one of the worst presidents in our history! And it was also reassuring to me that he didn't say "I'm a Trump guy"! How is this happening...again. 

Anyway. Today was another day where I didn't do my work. This is such a pattern. I let things pile up due to boredom, lack of initiative, or general inability to focus. The pile up causes of sense of urgency and I feel under pressure and I get things done. Sometimes it feels impossible but I tell myself, it will work out in the end, because it always has in the end. And it continues to work out. I need to figure out how to break this pattern, but, for now, I'm busy. Yay. 

Grateful for: learning (re-learning?) patterns. 

Volunteer

After a long weekend, I started a new volunteer gig today at the elementary school just a few blocks down the road. I was basically a lunch room/playground monitor. I hung out with the kindergarteners while they ate and then watched them play. I talked to a lot of them, introducing myself by my first name. Some of them came up to me with no introduction and asked they could go to the bathroom. Some introduced me to all of their friends. Unfortunately, while we were inside the school, I could barely hear a thing and realized the racket was making me a little crazy. I always try and carry some ear plugs and I realized I needed to put them in during the indoor portion of the event. It helped a bit. I learned a few names and talked to more and more of the kids after we got outside for recess. I focused on keeping them from hitting each other and stomping on each other's feet. I worked on separating the kids that were having the most aggressive interaction. Overall, it was energizing and felt great to be around the kids. I let them come to me and many of them did. I didn't try and force conversations. Kids at this age are kind of wild and I loved it! 

While the tutoring I used to do could be satisfying, the last few years, during and "after" the pandemic were mostly frustrating. I didn't have a regular student, the remote tutoring was frustrating, and even after we went back in person things weren't right. My last school had a really disorganized program. Often we had no kids to tutor at all. I never saw the same kid regularly and that was it for me. They tried to get me to come back but the work just didn't speak to me anymore. 

Being a calm (haha) adult presence seems about right. Some kids asked my name, if I was someone's Mom (no, I live in the neighborhood), and one said "I like you" which is huge from a 5/6-year-old. I got some spontaneous hugs--heartwarming but also a little troubling. I had a long talk with one girl who sat next to me on a bench. Another boy introduced himself and also talked to me for a long time, though I had a harder time following his conversation. There were a lot of kids--probably over 50--but my goal is to learn all of their names. That is going to take a few weeks but I think I can do it. 

Grateful for: new opportunities. 

Painful

So Jimmy is going through this thing where he wants to play rugby. He is an "old" "man" (more on that probably never) and this is a bad idea in many ways but he is obsessed with the game. He watches it a lot on TV, obviously international games, both men's and women's leagues. He even got season tickets to the local professional rugby league, which is over an hour's drive from our house. I went with him once. It was ok. He went a few times on his own. But there are a couple of rec-leagues in the area and he has been contemplating joining one. I actually understand his desire and I support whatever decision he makes. I thought he'd decided against it. I was slightly relieved because I don't want him to get injured. I was also slightly sad because I know how much he wants to play. In the last week or so he's started saying things like "when I play rugby..." I mostly ignored it but this morning I tried to have a conversation with him about it. Almost impossible! I say, talk to me! This is why I am here. For you to mull things over with. I guess this concept is pretty alien to Jimmy. He is so in his own head that the idea of sharing thoughts is alien. Same goes for sharing feelings. So he will play if he can test his stamina, test his knee. He's going to start running (haha) and in cleats (no!). He thinks he has plenty of time before the league starts up in the Spring. Sure. No. Whatever! 

Then he decided to tell me a story about something else. Someone liking one of his posts on BlueSky (he is a twitter fatalist). And it was so hard to follow. He has no sense of narrative structure, But he is very helpful with the daily NYT crossword. Yes, we had some cross words! Ramble on. 

Grateful for: someone to talk to. 

Better

I feel better. I can smile and laugh again. I even managed to get more work done today. The world isn't better but as I read, we're in the same world that we were in on Nov. 5 we just can see it more clearly. There are a lot of narratives of failure going around and I think the full story is quite complicated but perhaps the clearest framing is that the Rs told a better story. Their narrative of lies and fear won the day. People like stories and understand stories. It was always about the story, not the policies. 

Somehow, in that spirit, I did all my exercising yesterday. Morning yoga, bike ride, then weights in the evening. Today I've done yoga and plan on a bike ride before dark. Weights maybe too! Also we ordered-in Chinese food last night and it was very good and comforting. I'm back to listening to the news but I took most of yesterday off. I now have a fantasy about spending a week in a cabin in the woods looking at the trees and maybe soaking in a hot tub. Jimmy isn't as enthusiastic. Should I just go without him? 

Grateful for: a bit of perspective. 

I just can't

What a privilege to be able to spend the morning biking and looking at a creek as a way to deal with a country where it looks like the majority of people are willing to (re)elect one of the worst people to be the leader. Some people were shocked, others merely surprised. Some people predicted it, and now some people are glorying in the big f**k-you they just sent to all the people they deem worthless. This extreme lack of empathy is only one of the many troubling things about this election. I don't think it's the end of America or even the end of everything good America symbolizes, but it does show a country in a struggle to the death with its identity. It's been very hard to work today. 

Grateful for: being able to fight another day. 

The point

You'll be delighted to learn that I fixed my flat tire. However, I didn't identify a sharp object embedded in the tire that caused the flat so I am concerned I'll flat again...but what can you do? I'm on the fence about new tires, but shouldn't those three flats in a row convince me? Probably. 

Was this blog ever interesting? Years ago at a blogger meetup I was talking to this guy and it became clear that he didn't read my blog. It used to be a funny thing where I might start telling a story but realized the person I was talking to was quite familiar with everything I was saying already! Well, this was like the opposite of that. I sort of expected him to know a little bit about my life. I can't remember if I straight out asked if he read the blog but he sort of exploded with "I don't, I don't read it!" And I remember saying, fine, of course, but what is the problem? I think he'd been a reader and even used to comment, so I didn't understand why he stopped. And he said something like, "I can't take it! It's too much!" I had no idea what to say to that. These days, I guess it's too little and too much. It's the drudgery of daily working from home life. Not enough variety. Not enough talking to people. Not enough stimulation. Or something. 

What is my usual day like? I might wake up around 5am and read then fall back asleep. Then I really wake up around 7am. If I have my phone nearby, I'll work on the NYT crossword puzzle (if I haven't already finished it). I scroll through different social media sites. I listen to the radio. I intend to get up. Sometimes I'll stay in bed until 9/9:30/10am. Usually Jimmy is already up, but sometimes he'll be in bed on his phone too. We might talk. If I have a book I really like going, I may read for a while. I finally get up, do my morning routine. I'll then make coffee. Sometimes I'm not at my desk until 11am. I feel like this is very wrong. I am behind on some work tasks but also it doesn't seem to matter. I want to do better. I need to get up earlier. For a while, I was doing yoga in the morning and I really enjoyed it. All that time in bed, I could be working, or doing yoga, or riding my bike...but if I'm working earlier in the day, I can finish up earlier. Seems like common sense. Ironically (?), I get up a lot earlier on the weekends so I can go on a bike ride or visit the farmer's market. Today was middling--I was up around 9:00 am and ready to work by 9:20--because I thought I had a 9:30 meeting. But I didn't. I had an 11:30 meeting. So I went downstairs and made the coffee for Jimmy and me. I reheated my oatmeal and read a book while I ate it. I fixed my flat tire. Got back to work by 11am. I am just shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all. Perhaps I need to start going to the office occasionally. 

Grateful for: reflection. 

Flats

We went on a long bike ride this weekend--was supposed to be 30 miles but we cut out for home a bit early due to a flat tire on my bike. Still we rode over 25 miles. I was totally wiped out, which felt ridiculous. I keep promising myself to bike more, walk more, lift weights more. Fits and starts as usual. This is I think the 3rd flat in as many months and I'm super annoyed. I am probably going to get at least one new tire, since that might be the problem. I really need to look at the tire more closely and see the state of the tread. I've put over 3,000 miles on these tires, but I have other bikes where my tires lasted way longer! Anyway, for now, I'll have to find the pointy thing that caused the flat before I ride again. Or maybe I'll take my acoustic bike out for a spin...

Work, sigh, still demotivated. I am getting busy again, which usually bodes well for motivation. Keeping busy is generally very good for me. I wish there were someway to break out of my old patterns and habits. Or replace the old ones with new good ones? Better ones? Am I so bad? Clearly, self-kindness is very low at the moment. 

I even feel like I'm failing at the blog. No one is reading, I'm already inconsistent, and it's really dull. Go me!

Grateful for: time to reflect. 

Candy

In the early days of the blog, I had so much to say! And I have a lot to say but somehow I have less to write. Maybe because day-to-day life is so same-same and dull-dull. I'm going on a bike ride now so maybe I'll come back to this. 

No bike ride for me because a flurry of work descended. So many emails. All about a budget issue that was impossible anticipate. 

I ordered a bunch of clothing. Some of it arrived. The pants don't fit--dreaded waist gap. I'm not keeping it if it's not right. Cardigan that is a size too large but I might keep anyway. Cool velvet shirt/tunic. Trial run tonight for Halloween. We got the candy, bring on the kids!

Grateful for: Halloween. 

Goals

What I'm fretting about today. Am I boring? Will anyone ever read this blog again? Should I be trying harder to increase traffic? How did people find this back in the day? I tell myself I'm not writing for an audience. This is for myself to try and recover my "zest" (or whatever). But I do miss knowing I had some readers! I miss the occasional comment! The comments are one of the best things about a blog. I don't know why. I crave and miss regular social connection. Jimmy doesn't count (unfortunately). 

I had the meeting with the "career" counselor. She had a lot of nice things to say about me, she loved my "sense of humor" and said I had a "lightness of spirit." But also that my honesty gets me into trouble (check) and that I talk a lot (check). She asked if I felt a need to fill the silence. I said I have stories to tell and I want to tell the entire story. That the story is more satisfying if you hear the entire thing! Then she said something that I found frankly bizarre--that perhaps I'm underestimated because I seem "ditzy" because I'm high energy, quirky, and have a high voice. The voice thing is true, though I often forget about it. Quirky, sure. High energy is funny because I know I have been perceived that way at times, but I feel very low energy these days. I also feel like I'm overestimated sometimes at work because they just think I can do anything or figure anything out. I don't know everything and I could use more help at times. Anyway, no I'm not ditzy. If anything, I'm too serious, but that is tempered by my humor. 

I think the real issue is that I feel purposeless. Work can be good and it can be bad. It's usually not terrible though it can be stressful. But I just don't know what I would really like to be doing. I don't have an ideal job or a career goal. I'm just kind of here.  

Grateful for: long talks. 

Vote

So I spent about 30 minutes today trying to encourage one of my junior staffers to vote. Was it too much? Was I being inappropriate? I laid out a case on several dimensions. The case for Harris and Democrats in general. The importance of state and local races and referendums. And why politics matters in our work and in healthcare for us and our families. Now I'm worried. She is quiet and I didn't ask her views or give her room to talk. That was probably a mistake. I often assume people see things basically the same way I do. I think she is a good hearted person. Her goal is a career in public health. Yet she wasn't connecting that to "politics." Isn't that odd? I hope I did the right thing. She lives in swing state so her vote really matters! 

Grateful for: democracy.