Sick

I've been sick for a few days. Trying to work. Been on two walks this week. Still don't feel 100%. Have to head out to Seattle next week. Busy packing. 

Not a whole lot to say today but I'm still alive.

Grateful for: rest. 

Lazy days

I had a semi-lazy long weekend. Last night (Sunday night), I had that feeling of dread about Monday and having to go back to work. I don’t know if I ever really had that feeling as a kid, though I’m sure I did. I am very busy right now, a combination of delaying some tasks, a bunch of new task, and the time-consuming nature of one specific and on-going task. Usually, being this busy propels me into action, but instead I feel tired and droopy. 

We had a very low-key Thanksgiving. I didn’t even try and find other people to spend it with, though that’s really what I wanted. My friends still usually go out of town or have their own local family gatherings. I wish I was more linked in with a regular Thanksgiving celebration. I don’t know why it didn’t happen. But I wanted a more or less traditional meal and that’s more or less what we had. Jimmy bought turkey parts—two legs and two thighs. When it came to the eating, I didn’t like my leg and only picked at it, but we had garlic mashed potatoes, which I made, Brussels sprouts, gravy, and cranberry jelly. I was happy with the sides and they filled me up. I’d made pecan bars in lieu of a pie, so that was quite a good dessert, plus some whipped cream. And we had champagne in the fridge, bought for some event but never opened, so had it with dinner. Maybe I will try harder to invite people over next year or do more coordinating in advance. We manage to get a decent crowd for Passover, so maybe we can do it another time as well. 

I took most of Friday off. I biked to my favorite semi-local coffee shop, which I malaprop-ed into “Old Sock” (if you live around here, you may be able to guess the real name). I brought my work computer and probably did an hour of the very tedious editing task on my plate. The rest of the day is a blur!

On Saturday, I decided I wanted to go to a new Japanese “grocery ” store in Rockville. I was going to drive, but my car was dead again after sitting for several months. It’s either the battery or a small animal has chewed through a wire. We took Jimmy’s car and it was kind of fun. I got a bunch of silly and practical things—some cleaning items, a few food items—and a tiny figurine that cost $28 (!!!!). Whoops—impulse cash register buy gone wrong. But we hit some kind of spending threshold so we got a “free” insulated bag that had a bunch more goodies, including a large bottle of apple juice (Jimmy likes juice, so that was a win), various candies, a noodle pack, chips…so maybe it was worth it? We then stopped at what I would actually consider a Japanese grocery store and got some frozen dumplings and other noodles. And then…since it was so close, we went to one of my favorite Chinese restaurants in the area. That was a good Saturday and I felt ok taking it easy the rest of the day. 

Sunday, I had some intentions of taking a bike ride, but instead I baked corn muffins in the morning and then sat on the floor in the living room reading for a few hours. Eventually I transitioned to the couch and watched a bunch of TV. And in no way am I prepared to work today, but without other good options, that is what I will do. 

Grateful for: lazy long weekends. 

Friends

I seriously forgot about the blog! Work got kinda busy and sucked up all my brain space. Lord I hate work! I hate it less when I'm busy but I still kind of want to be done with it. I have enough money to retire...but I can't access it for a few more years. In a few more years will T**** and cronies have f'd up the economy so much that all of my investments will tank? I'm a super cautious investor but who knows if that will make any difference! 

My work is so dull. I'm taking forever to do a close line-edit of a very long document. I'm failing to do background reading for another project where the topic is of the "important but dull" variety. 

Last weekend--no weekend before last--I went on a group bike ride in the world "Day of Remembrance" for victims of traffic violence. Good cause. Decent ride. I ended up riding with a friendly woman who is a world traveler and more serious cyclist than I, but we had a good convo and it was fun to spend time getting to know a stranger. Same thing happened the last time I did the same ride! The two people couldn't have been more different and that was a lot of the fun. I also took myself out for lunch after the ride. Ended up at a second-floor almost hidden Japanese restaurant where I'd been one other time! It was very good and I ate every bite of the katsu bowl (not the bowl itself). Then I biked around a bit more and realized I was near a well-reviewed French-style bakery and figured why not? As I was locking my bike, I started chatting with a guy and we just talked and talked. He was going to the bakery too, so we ended up hanging out and talking for probably an hour (?). We were both in relationships so it felt very easy and friendly. Kinda wish we'd exchanged info, but how odd really that would've been. Still, it was a great day for talking to new people and I miss those chance encounters I used to have when I left the house more frequently.  

Grateful for: meeting new people.

All the rants

Yesterday on an internal call, we had a little discussion about public housing and various related things. One dude, who I have always known was a Republican said, "I'm a Bush guy, so no one will talk to me" but he also said he knew people with connections to the new administration...so someone will talk to him. Imagine openly saying you're a "Bush guy"--only one of the worst presidents in our history! And it was also reassuring to me that he didn't say "I'm a Trump guy"! How is this happening...again. 

Anyway. Today was another day where I didn't do my work. This is such a pattern. I let things pile up due to boredom, lack of initiative, or general inability to focus. The pile up causes of sense of urgency and I feel under pressure and I get things done. Sometimes it feels impossible but I tell myself, it will work out in the end, because it always has in the end. And it continues to work out. I need to figure out how to break this pattern, but, for now, I'm busy. Yay. 

Grateful for: learning (re-learning?) patterns. 

Volunteer

After a long weekend, I started a new volunteer gig today at the elementary school just a few blocks down the road. I was basically a lunch room/playground monitor. I hung out with the kindergarteners while they ate and then watched them play. I talked to a lot of them, introducing myself by my first name. Some of them came up to me with no introduction and asked they could go to the bathroom. Some introduced me to all of their friends. Unfortunately, while we were inside the school, I could barely hear a thing and realized the racket was making me a little crazy. I always try and carry some ear plugs and I realized I needed to put them in during the indoor portion of the event. It helped a bit. I learned a few names and talked to more and more of the kids after we got outside for recess. I focused on keeping them from hitting each other and stomping on each other's feet. I worked on separating the kids that were having the most aggressive interaction. Overall, it was energizing and felt great to be around the kids. I let them come to me and many of them did. I didn't try and force conversations. Kids at this age are kind of wild and I loved it! 

While the tutoring I used to do could be satisfying, the last few years, during and "after" the pandemic were mostly frustrating. I didn't have a regular student, the remote tutoring was frustrating, and even after we went back in person things weren't right. My last school had a really disorganized program. Often we had no kids to tutor at all. I never saw the same kid regularly and that was it for me. They tried to get me to come back but the work just didn't speak to me anymore. 

Being a calm (haha) adult presence seems about right. Some kids asked my name, if I was someone's Mom (no, I live in the neighborhood), and one said "I like you" which is huge from a 5/6-year-old. I got some spontaneous hugs--heartwarming but also a little troubling. I had a long talk with one girl who sat next to me on a bench. Another boy introduced himself and also talked to me for a long time, though I had a harder time following his conversation. There were a lot of kids--probably over 50--but my goal is to learn all of their names. That is going to take a few weeks but I think I can do it. 

Grateful for: new opportunities. 

Painful

So Jimmy is going through this thing where he wants to play rugby. He is an "old" "man" (more on that probably never) and this is a bad idea in many ways but he is obsessed with the game. He watches it a lot on TV, obviously international games, both men's and women's leagues. He even got season tickets to the local professional rugby league, which is over an hour's drive from our house. I went with him once. It was ok. He went a few times on his own. But there are a couple of rec-leagues in the area and he has been contemplating joining one. I actually understand his desire and I support whatever decision he makes. I thought he'd decided against it. I was slightly relieved because I don't want him to get injured. I was also slightly sad because I know how much he wants to play. In the last week or so he's started saying things like "when I play rugby..." I mostly ignored it but this morning I tried to have a conversation with him about it. Almost impossible! I say, talk to me! This is why I am here. For you to mull things over with. I guess this concept is pretty alien to Jimmy. He is so in his own head that the idea of sharing thoughts is alien. Same goes for sharing feelings. So he will play if he can test his stamina, test his knee. He's going to start running (haha) and in cleats (no!). He thinks he has plenty of time before the league starts up in the Spring. Sure. No. Whatever! 

Then he decided to tell me a story about something else. Someone liking one of his posts on BlueSky (he is a twitter fatalist). And it was so hard to follow. He has no sense of narrative structure, But he is very helpful with the daily NYT crossword. Yes, we had some cross words! Ramble on. 

Grateful for: someone to talk to. 

Better

I feel better. I can smile and laugh again. I even managed to get more work done today. The world isn't better but as I read, we're in the same world that we were in on Nov. 5 we just can see it more clearly. There are a lot of narratives of failure going around and I think the full story is quite complicated but perhaps the clearest framing is that the Rs told a better story. Their narrative of lies and fear won the day. People like stories and understand stories. It was always about the story, not the policies. 

Somehow, in that spirit, I did all my exercising yesterday. Morning yoga, bike ride, then weights in the evening. Today I've done yoga and plan on a bike ride before dark. Weights maybe too! Also we ordered-in Chinese food last night and it was very good and comforting. I'm back to listening to the news but I took most of yesterday off. I now have a fantasy about spending a week in a cabin in the woods looking at the trees and maybe soaking in a hot tub. Jimmy isn't as enthusiastic. Should I just go without him? 

Grateful for: a bit of perspective. 

I just can't

What a privilege to be able to spend the morning biking and looking at a creek as a way to deal with a country where it looks like the majority of people are willing to (re)elect one of the worst people to be the leader. Some people were shocked, others merely surprised. Some people predicted it, and now some people are glorying in the big f**k-you they just sent to all the people they deem worthless. This extreme lack of empathy is only one of the many troubling things about this election. I don't think it's the end of America or even the end of everything good America symbolizes, but it does show a country in a struggle to the death with its identity. It's been very hard to work today. 

Grateful for: being able to fight another day. 

The point

You'll be delighted to learn that I fixed my flat tire. However, I didn't identify a sharp object embedded in the tire that caused the flat so I am concerned I'll flat again...but what can you do? I'm on the fence about new tires, but shouldn't those three flats in a row convince me? Probably. 

Was this blog ever interesting? Years ago at a blogger meetup I was talking to this guy and it became clear that he didn't read my blog. It used to be a funny thing where I might start telling a story but realized the person I was talking to was quite familiar with everything I was saying already! Well, this was like the opposite of that. I sort of expected him to know a little bit about my life. I can't remember if I straight out asked if he read the blog but he sort of exploded with "I don't, I don't read it!" And I remember saying, fine, of course, but what is the problem? I think he'd been a reader and even used to comment, so I didn't understand why he stopped. And he said something like, "I can't take it! It's too much!" I had no idea what to say to that. These days, I guess it's too little and too much. It's the drudgery of daily working from home life. Not enough variety. Not enough talking to people. Not enough stimulation. Or something. 

What is my usual day like? I might wake up around 5am and read then fall back asleep. Then I really wake up around 7am. If I have my phone nearby, I'll work on the NYT crossword puzzle (if I haven't already finished it). I scroll through different social media sites. I listen to the radio. I intend to get up. Sometimes I'll stay in bed until 9/9:30/10am. Usually Jimmy is already up, but sometimes he'll be in bed on his phone too. We might talk. If I have a book I really like going, I may read for a while. I finally get up, do my morning routine. I'll then make coffee. Sometimes I'm not at my desk until 11am. I feel like this is very wrong. I am behind on some work tasks but also it doesn't seem to matter. I want to do better. I need to get up earlier. For a while, I was doing yoga in the morning and I really enjoyed it. All that time in bed, I could be working, or doing yoga, or riding my bike...but if I'm working earlier in the day, I can finish up earlier. Seems like common sense. Ironically (?), I get up a lot earlier on the weekends so I can go on a bike ride or visit the farmer's market. Today was middling--I was up around 9:00 am and ready to work by 9:20--because I thought I had a 9:30 meeting. But I didn't. I had an 11:30 meeting. So I went downstairs and made the coffee for Jimmy and me. I reheated my oatmeal and read a book while I ate it. I fixed my flat tire. Got back to work by 11am. I am just shaking my head at the ridiculousness of it all. Perhaps I need to start going to the office occasionally. 

Grateful for: reflection. 

Flats

We went on a long bike ride this weekend--was supposed to be 30 miles but we cut out for home a bit early due to a flat tire on my bike. Still we rode over 25 miles. I was totally wiped out, which felt ridiculous. I keep promising myself to bike more, walk more, lift weights more. Fits and starts as usual. This is I think the 3rd flat in as many months and I'm super annoyed. I am probably going to get at least one new tire, since that might be the problem. I really need to look at the tire more closely and see the state of the tread. I've put over 3,000 miles on these tires, but I have other bikes where my tires lasted way longer! Anyway, for now, I'll have to find the pointy thing that caused the flat before I ride again. Or maybe I'll take my acoustic bike out for a spin...

Work, sigh, still demotivated. I am getting busy again, which usually bodes well for motivation. Keeping busy is generally very good for me. I wish there were someway to break out of my old patterns and habits. Or replace the old ones with new good ones? Better ones? Am I so bad? Clearly, self-kindness is very low at the moment. 

I even feel like I'm failing at the blog. No one is reading, I'm already inconsistent, and it's really dull. Go me!

Grateful for: time to reflect.