Alas

Another day home sick. Not to complain, but when will this end? Tomorrow! Unless I have a high fever, I'm getting out and going to work. Not that I have tons of work to do but what I do have is of the kind that will best be accomplished in a very quiet office.

Yesterday was knitting, dvd watching, napping and eating. I didn't actually eat much--egg and toast for breakfast, soup for lunch, popcorn for dinner and lots of tea. Please complement me on my extremely healthy diet. Ha. My reduced appetite is a surer sign than the sniffles and sneezing that I'm actually sick. I generally have a hearty appetite and a craving for dessert. Not yesterday or today. Weird.

Anyway, currently on the dvd is the first disc of The Saint series. Have you heard of it? I used to watch it with my grandma when I visited her in Florida. It stars Roger Moore, in his pre-Bond days. It was the opinion of my grandmother (and mother) that Moore was good in this as opposed to the Bond flicks. "He was too clean. Bond needs to look like he can get dirty. But Moore was perfect for The Saint." Indeed.

The show isn't as good as I remembered. The acting (other than Moore) is wooden and the situations are far-fetched but it looks good (I'm enchanted by the hot pink coat the female lead wears in the first episode) and it is entertaining. And young Roger Moore? He's quite the fox.

Grateful for: good shows.

Party?

On the agenda for tonight is a party.

As you know, I've been sick. Not a raging fever with flu-like symptoms, but a congested, fatigued, headached kind of sick. Sick enough to miss most of work this week.

Which begs the question, should I go to the party tonight?

The obvious answer is "no."

But…there's always a but.

But, I've been cooped up in the house most of the week. I haven't had a real life conversation with anyone in three days out of five. I'm lonely and bored.

The IM has been good and probably kept me from falling much farther into self-pitying than I usually do when ill. Also, I've had this strong desire to stay home ever since the days got short, so the sick timing was good.

So, let's see—on the pro side, I should go to the party because I would like to socialize, I've been alone all week, the rest of the weekend is free so I can rest then, I like parties, and it will probably be fun.

On the con side: I'm still not 100%, I should rest, my throat hurts so I can't talk very much, I might infect people, it's cold outside, and it might not be fun.

I know I don't have to drink or dress up. I know I can come home early if I'm not enjoying myself. I know if when I get home, I collapse, I don't have to go. But I still can't decide. Hrmf.

Hope all of you are feeling better than me. It's almost time to go home but I could fall asleep right now. That does not bode well for the party plan, does it? The good news is that next week is an almost non-stop series of holiday parties, so this won't be my last chance.

Grateful for: party opportunities.

Still ill

I wish I could write that I was feeling 100% myself…well, I do feel like myself--myself when I'm sick. Argh.

Yesterday, I was moving slowly, but I got myself into the office by 11am. Not too shabby. I took care of a few things and worked through the email.

By 5:30, when I left, I was completely exhausted. Ridiculous! I ate a light supper, did a little knitting (yes, still obsessed) and slept hard. Or maybe not. I was coughing and sniffling all night. And "clicking." Ok, the clicking--when I have an itchy throat I made this clicking noise with my tongue in order to "scratch" the back of my throat. So, I was "clicking" all night. Clicking, coughing, sniffling and sneezing! Wonderful.

I could not get myself out of bed this morning. I decided one more day at home is needed. I was just too isolated from two days almost totally solo.

My plan for today is to drink lots and lots of tea. I ran out of green tea…but Pele brought me some oolong and jasmine back when she went to Taiwan a couple of months ago so I'm breaking them out. The oolong is good stuff.

I wish I had something more interesting to share. Un fortunately, the inspiration has all been whisked out of my head and replaced by headache. Boo.

Luckily, I'm over whatever sadness I felt about that ex-bf of mine. It was a fleeting feeling, thank goodness. I talked to work-friend, Nancy, yesterday and she pointed out, "You would have been waiting a long time for that guy. He just had a kid a year ago? And you dated him when you were 19?" True enough. But I'm still waiting…for something. I have to stop that.

Also, I'm loving facebook. My most recent friend is a fellow I knew in junior high school, "Sean." I'm not sure why I thought to look him up, but it may be because I told this story recently:

Sean and his best buddy were very popular in the eighth grade. The dressed like those guys in the Stray Cats--leather jackets and hair-dos and all. Sean's sister, April, was a senior and the most popular and admired girl in school. Ours was an artsy type school, so she was popular for her dramatic prowess and new-wave-ish style clothes. The less popular kids were more punk rock. One day, I ran into Sean and his buddy, and they teased me, "You're just trying to look like April. You want to be like April!"

I lied. I said, "No. This is just how I dress. I don't know what you mean."

They laughed and walked away. It was one of the happiest days of my junior high existence. I managed to look enough like April to be teased about it! Perfection.

In case you're wondering, my outfit consisted of: blue navy shell that once belonged to my mother, old enough to be vintage; a very thin knit burgundy cardigan with a black horizontal pin stripe, scavenged from my step-mother; a teal-green pleated mini-skirt that was actually a split-skirt, but you couldn't tell; black tights…and which shoes? Probably the black leather slip-ons with elastic on the side--sort of like little booties, but shorter. Ah, mid-'80s fashions, I did love them.

I don't care how lousy I feel tomorrow, I'm definitely going back to work. Enough is enough!

Grateful for: my fashion sense.

Old times

I'm poking around on facebook yesterday, as is my wont, and I send a couple of friend requests to old, old friends, including my first serious boyfriend, Grant. I was crazy about that guy. We don't stay in touch but there are no hard feelings. We did see each other a few times in the years following our break up because he lives in CA, near my dad. But, there's no real effort to stay in touch and that's fine. The last time I emailed was when I'd be visiting Dad and I suggested we get together. Grant's response was that he'd be in Seattle while I was in CA and, oh, he'd gotten married. Hooray!

I wasn't too broken up about it. I wasn't harboring any illusions that we'd end up together (I had someone else to hang that hope on) and, of course, I wasn't surprised. He's a sweetheart and there was no way he'd be single forever. Not like me.

See, see that? The self-pity is almost palpable. And why?

Today, I hear back from Grant and he's added me as a friend. And the part where you say how you know each other? He's filled in, "You dated in 1988." It's sweet that he chose that option. If it were up to me I would have put that we went to college together, which is also true.

That led me to send him a short email. He responded almost right away. He's still married and has a little kid. So far so good. He sent me a link to some family pictures. And that's when it got me.

There's Grant, looking the same as he did nearly 20 years ago, holding a beautiful toddler. Aww! I'm fine.

It's the last pic, with Grant, his wife, curled up on the sofa, looking lovingly at the kid that pushes me over the edge. I can't take it. I'm not grateful. I'm sad. Very sad. I have no regrets about Grant. If it were up to me, I'd be married to him today and it would be us curled up on the sofa, looking at our lovely little kid.

And yet, I have no reason to feel bad. He broke up with me! He didn't "feel that way" about me! I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe that's why it hurts. Still.

Sigh. Back to being happily single tomorrow. I hope.

P.S. I spent a second day home sick, which probably contributed to my maudlin mood. Thanks to the couple of people who kept me IM company yesterday. I really appreciate it.

Grateful for: memories.

Sicko

Last night, I felt it coming on and today it's here. I'm sick! Not terribly sick, I'm probably not running a fever. It seems to be the kind of virus I'm getting these days: mild congestion, headache, fatigue and dizziness. The dizziness is the oddest symptom but if malaise can be symptom (of flu and strep) why not vertigo?

I'm staying home today, taking it easy, and protecting the work force from infection. I'm also commenting on blogs like crazy and feeling a little lonely.

Why don't you keep me company? Have a funny story about your day? A question? Advice? Bring it on!

Or IM me: jamy dot barab on yahoo or jamybarab on AIM. Seriously, people, I am bored.

Here's to feeling better tomorrow.

Grateful for: company.