Overwhelmed

When I feel this way, I want say, "I shouldn't complain." I'm lucky to have my problems. Jury duty is hard. I'm loving it, but I feel drained at the end of the day. I don't have close to enough time to take care of everything.

This weekend, there were a variety of things I meant to do: help take out the boats for rowing, cook the meal I bought the ingredients for last weekend, finish knitting the baby blanket (an impossibility), laundry, vacuuming, relaxing…etc.

Saturday, I woke up late and made the decision not to go to the boathouse. I felt guilty, but I could barely move. I thought, "I going to stay home and knit all day and try to finish the blanket." I'd done a lot of work on it the night before and estimated it would take eighteen more hours to finish. Eighteen! What did I get myself into? It's almost an impossibility to get it done before I go to New Jersey…but still, I set that deadline and I want to meet it.

I made some breakfast and got to knitting. It was slow but I made progress. Then I thought, do I really have to sit here all day and knit? No movies? No coffee, reading or writing? It seemed crazy and I decided I'd go to the movies. I haven't been for weeks. Weeks! That's almost as nuts as needing 18 (more) hours to knit a baby blanket.

I went off to the movies and called Pele on the way. While we chatted, I realized that the blanket deadline was a fiction. I could let myself off the hook--I didn't need to spend every free moment knitting. That helped. I don't want to pay to ship the blanket to Israel, but if that's what I have to do, it's not a disaster. First problem solved.

Saturday night, I met some folks for a birthday drink and I was glad I dragged myself out of the house. There's something about the knitting and the almost-but-not-quite dating someone that brings out my hermit tendencies. Warm weather plus rowing will resolve that, but jury duty doesn't help. I need a fair amount of down time, and the slow pace of my regular job provides that--leaving me with sufficient energy for weeknight outings. But with jury duty it feels like I'm "on" all day, and coming home to knitting and the tv is a great way to unwind.

Today was a relaxed day. I got up and did laundry (check), cleaned the bathroom (check), had a bowl of cereal and did a little knitting. I went out for coffee (check) and read (check). Back home, more knitting, while watching a dvd. And, finally, I met Pele to watch the Carolina game. Yes, I'm a little sad about the loss. But my mood? It's good, very good.

I was talking to a random guy on the phone today and I told him I was knitting. He said, "You're knitting right now?"

"Yes."

He said, "Do you have a cat?"

"Yes. And I'm carrying around a purseful of hard candy. I'm officially a crazy old lady." I explained that the hard candy was to help keep me focused (via chewing) at jury duty. But you know what? I liked describing myself as a cat-owning, knitting kook. Who gives a fuck? It was liberating to embrace that stereotype. I know why I have a cat and I know why I like to knit. That's not all of me, but it's not embarrassing either. I had to laugh.

Now it's time to kick back with some knitting, the tv and some good rest before another day of doing my civic duty.

Grateful for: taking it easy.