The pain will end

Dear Jamy:

I recently ended things with a guy who didn't treat me right even though I gave him my heart, my care, and my support. Every time I tried to say goodbye, he would reel me back in with his sweet talk, knowing exactly what buttons to push. I finally found the courage to call him on his sh*t and for the first time, I have not heard back from him. I know without a doubt that I did the right thing for me, but why does it hurt so much? And what I can tell myself or do to ease the pain? I cannot concentrate on anything else, and I just want to cry my heart out. (Sorry, I know this sounds so high school-ish).

Thanks, Connie

Dear Connie,

We have all cared for a man (or a woman) who required extra effort, extra understanding, and extra affection. We gave it to him unbegrudgingly, happily, hopefully. Then he stomped all over our precious gifts and left us feeling foolish and alone.

When I've been in this situation, the ending was particularly painful. Why? Because I felt extra foolish. Not only was I rejected by someone who didn't deserve me in the first place. But I should have known better. All the signs were there. He was bad news from day one. Yet, I couldn't resist. I plunged ahead, ignoring all the warning signs and red flags.

You were involved with a seducer. He told you what you wanted to hear. He provided something that you needed and you tried to make it work. When you realized it was an unbalanced relationship, you called him on it and he skedaddled. Now you feel crushed. It's ok. Wallow, cry, let yourself feel bad. Give it a time limit, though. Take a day or two off work and do things that make you feel comforted (ice cream and movies do it for me). You feel bad because you were hoping you were wrong and he would live up to the expectations you had for him. He didn't. It is sad. You get to be sad.

You had the courage to stand up and say how you felt. Good for you. You took control of the situation and there should be some comfort in that.

Tell yourself that you were happy once and you will be happy again. This feeling will pass. You will feel better, just give it time.

Take care,
~jamy

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