No more pie

How did yesterday go wrong?

• I was in a rotten mood all day due to my frustration with the Prof. It got me more upset than I'd realized.
• The message I left for Frank Tuesday evening went unanswered.
• I got a haircut for the first time in a year on Tuesday evening-- four inches lopped off and layers added--and no one has said boo to me about it. It looks cute, really.
• For the first time in my six years at my job, I got less than a perfect performance review. Even though I've never thought I deserved the highest scores, I've grown to take them for granted. It is only in one category that I got the second highest rating, the overall rating is still "outstanding," and it is not the final review, just the mid-year one, but I feel bad. I know I've been dogging it, but I didn't want it reflected on paper.
• I yelled at some guys on my kickball team when they were talking about strategic ways to make the line up. I suggested boy-girl-boy-girl. The asshole said, "That's not strategic. All boys, then all girls is strategic." I said, "Why?" He smirked, the other guy (who is not an asshole) smirked and they refused to tell me what they were talking about. I said, "Don't be an asshole. Tell me what you mean." The non-asshole said, "I'm not an asshole! I don't want to get you angry." The asshole slunk away and refused to make eye contact with me for the rest of the game or at the bar later. (I apologized to the non-asshole. Never got a chance to talk to the asshole, but I don't think he deserves an apology.)
• Later, another guy tried to coach me and I said, "Not today, I can't take it. Maybe next week."
• On my walk home from the bar, after consuming one and a half beers, I drunk dialed vip-ex--who was unexpectedly at his office. Whoops. Note to self: never do that again; calls to vip-ex may only be made when completely sober. (He was more amused than anything. We talked about mutual friends and work.)
• Finally, I do believe pie-guy called it quits.

I can't fucking win. I'm ready to hang it up. I hate all of this. Not the men so much, I mean these guys are in the same boat as me, but there has got to be a better way. There has got to be some way to meet people, to make friends, to have a boyfriend, to treat each other respectfully and to keep it together.

It doesn't help that the world is coming to an end. New Orleans under many feet of water, people trapped in the Superdome, several cities destroyed, thousands dead, armed bands of looters, 800 people trampled to death in Baghdad due to FEAR of a suicide bomber (it's not just for white people anymore), people starving in Africa or being killed in absurd ethnic conflict, though that seems to have ceased being reported on at all. Don't even get me started on the Iraq war.

Unlike the totally humorless hurricane aftermath, my life has it's humorous aspects. It's totally absurd. I'm getting turned down right and left by guys because of POLITICS. I've never rejected anyone on those grounds. I'm getting rejected based on my ideas rather than my looks, which is as it should be I suppose. Reject me and then tell me I'm pretty. It doesn't help as much as you'd think it would.

The perfect end to the day came when Pie-guy (aka Rower) sent me an IM at 11:30pm.

Rower: so i just went on a date with a 37 year old.
Jamy: oh? how was it?
Rower: i think anyone over 30 is just in a different place romantically.
Jamy: quite likely.
Rower: it's the sad truth.
Jamy: i don't think it's always true. kind of depends on you.
Rower: well, i am in a different place, i guess.
Jamy: actually, i dated a guy 10 years younger than me not long ago [it was three years ago]...for a few months. it wasn't that big a deal. but it felt funny at first.
Rower: perhaps you are right.
Jamy: he was particularly mature. possibly more mature than me! he's now living with his gf. and who is the single one?
Rower: heh.
Jamy: see, there is no underestimating my immaturity.
Rower: oh really? how does it manifest itself?
Jamy: um, pie discussions?
Rower: aside from that.
Jamy: i like puns. i dunno. so, tell me more about your date. or tell me what place you are in.
Rower: not in the relationship place, i don't think. unless i am floored, in which case, i can be in the relationship place.
Jamy: how is that an age thing?
Rower: because older people are down with the marriage, etc.
Jamy: sure, but i'm not marrying the first guy that comes along...obviously. i'd have to be floored. but, i mean, i certainly didn't think you were in a marriage frame of mind. i assume you're not. i wasn't at 25.
Rower: i think brides are hot, though.
Jamy: lol
Rower: yeah, i'd definitely do a bride in her wedding dress.
Jamy: you are sick. someday you will probably have that chance.
Rower: and when that day comes...hoooah.
Jamy: that lucky, lucky girl.
Rower: [smiley]
Jamy: i'm at a loss.
Rower: how so?
Jamy: i would suggest that we have coffee...but you probably just think i want to marry you.
Rower: do you have other pictures?
Jamy: what, those 4 aren't enough? [I have four in my JDate© profile.] you only have two! if you don't like my other pics? then what?
Rower: i dunno.
[I send him a pic. He receives it and makes no comment.]
Rower: alright, it's bedtime.
Jamy: yes indeed. it's been a long day.

I think this means there is no pie in my future. Even that sucks. I sent him an email today:

It's been fun chatting and emailing with you. You are a good sport, very quick and clever, and willing to take a joke much too far. If you ever want to meet for coffee, that would be great.

I resisted saying, "I figure we're done" or "if you don't want to get together, I understand" or "this doesn't have to be a date, it would just be fun to meet you." Aren't you proud of me? I wanted to say goodbye to him. He has been more entertaining than any date I've had in the last six months (if that's not completely true, it's close enough).

I'm ready for something good to happen. Really ready.

Grateful for: that good thing right around the corner.