Worrying

I’ve been worrying and worrying this thing with Jake. It feels very right one minute and then the next I’m way, way back in the bleachers watching the whole thing with a kind of a detached wonder. How did I end up here? Is this my boyfriend? Will this do? Will this make me happy? Is this what I want? And, then, zoom, I’m back in it and I can’t wait to see him again. I told Heather that her possible love-interest was like a radio station, coming in crystal clear one minute then inexplicably fuzzy the next. I’m afraid that the same could be said of me. I could write a very convincing argument in favor of Jake, I think I could also explain exactly what it is about him that makes me doubt. But I’m not sure that either of those intellectual exercises would be to the point. It’s all about me and how I feel and I’m having the damndest time getting a handle on it.

I walked to work again on Tuesday, despite feeling the tiniest beginnings of a cold coming on. I figured it would give me some time to think and clear my head. The thinking part didn’t go so well, I just continued to argue with myself—trying to talk myself out of the vague bad feeling that is lurking regarding Jake. And then feeling silly because I know that when I’m with him, I feel very happy and don’t want to let go of him for a minute. His absence seems to inspire doubts. Being with him seems to dispel them. Talking on the phone last night seemed to do both. How can that be?!?

Then, my mind cleared a bit and I thought, ‘I’m just going to do nothing.’ That didn’t seem quite right. Was I going to let him make all the decisions about what would happen next? No, that’s not it. I think doing nothing means I’m not going to force myself to make a decision either way. I’m going to do nothing. I’m not going to decide if he’s my future husband or a three month wonder. I’m going to sit with it, spend time with him, relax and do nothing. Do nothing. Yes, that is right. I know it’s right. It’s going to let me see what is really going on. Doing nothing means letting things play out, not forcing things. Letting those very strong desires sit on the sidelines for a while. It’s so incredibly hard not let the mind take huge flights of fancy when you are looking into someone’s eyes and can see the potential fulfillment of one’s dearest wishes. And he can actually see you and know you. And there are a lot, a lot of things that don’t need to be said. Things I know. I just have to see if I can get comfortable here. If I can believe that this can actually happen to me and accept that I can be happy.

I figured out a while ago that what I wanted was someone who adored me. And I want to feel the same way about him. I want it to be easy. I want there to be conversations, not fights. Cooperation, not competition. It should be calm, not hectic. I want to be happy, not exhausted. I’m pretty sure that’s what I will get with Jake. So, for now, do nothing and let it happen. When I read that line, “let it happen” I get a huge knot in my stomach. I have no idea if that is good or bad, but I know I’m scared. Jake knows it too.

Damn. Why must I make everything so complicated?