Delusion

I thought my Passover dilemma was resolved. And it is. No one wants to go to Israel, so NJ is back on. I had this crazy idea that it was Israel or nothing. That I would get to stay here. Um. No. I get to go to New Jersey.  I don't want to go but I said I would go so I will go.

But this part kills me. Dad says, "We're not going. No one wanted that. But you were the deciding vote."

Not sure how that could be since I was calling to give him my official "no."

I said, "What?"

"I think B1 might have gone..." Dad started.

"WHAT? No, no, you are not saying that."

"Why are you getting so upset?"

"You can't put this on me. Are you really saying B1 would have gone if I'd agreed? No way!" I was reeling at the idea that B1 would make any decision based on my actions. It's never happened before, why would it now? Dad will go to great lengths to impose guilt, then deny, deny, deny.

"I'm not saying that...no...but we'll all see each other in New Jersey."

Ah. And that's how I found out that the plan for New Jersey was still a go. Sigh.

The weekend was rather eventful. On Friday, I had a date with Jumper--remember him? It was unexpected. He got back in touch about a week and a half ago and it took a while to pick a day to go out. I was surprised to hear from him but since our date was pleasant, it seemed like a fine idea to meet again. Also, given the deep ambiguity of the Kansas situation, I feel that I should accept any (unobjectionable) date offers that come my way.

Mostly what I did with Jumper was drink. I found myself telling stories about old boyfriends. Sigh. It was a late night. While I like Jumper, I'm sure that I don't want to date him...there's no romantic spark. It wasn't a bad date and Jumper is a decent guy, but he's not for me. I don't see things going a friendship route with him, but I wouldn't object to that.

Kansas called me at 11:30am on Saturday to see if I wanted to come out and watch a game. I agreed and I got there around 12:45. I hung out, not drinking (enough is enough), until around 4pm. That was it for me. I was sleep deprived and had a great urge to lie down. Kansas wanted to know what we were doing later. Gee, buddy, how would I know? No plans were made or executed. However, there is talk of a more date-like date later this week. I'll believe it when I see it.

Now for some analysis. I know that staying engaged with Kansas is a mistake. I'm well on my way to getting attached--to some degree, I already am. But I don't want to tear myself away. I'm not unhappy. I still like him. Being out with Jumper made it clear to me that I prefer Kansas. So, perhaps he serves as a point of reference. Or, perhaps, I'm already too attached to him to find other guys interesting. And if that's the case...ending it is the answer because there is no way this is going to turn into what I need.

Warning--elaborate justification ahead...

Or maybe I should stop being so hard on myself. You know how in a car crash if you brace yourself that's when you break bones? Given that I know exactly what's wrong here and I don't think he's ever going to be my boyfriend, why not just relax into disaster and spare myself the pain? It may not even come to that. I may just say one day, 'enough,' and be done. Right now, though, I'm getting quite a bit of satisfaction and amusement and pleasure out of our non-dating relationship. Maybe I need to be in a situation that is safe from the pressure I usually put on myself when I'm dating someone. I can't do anything wrong here. I can't lose him because I don't have him. I can't scare him off because I don't care if gets scared off (that would be a good thing!). I can't be disappointed because I don't expect anything.  I don't have to make room for him in my life because we're not in a romantic relationship. I go about my normal business of happy hours and social events and if I want to see him or I'm available when he calls, then I'll see him. It's nice to have someone with whom there's that little whiff of attraction, but I have no desire to incorporate him in my social world. Not that it would be bad if it happened, it's just not something I'm working towards. That's because I don't think of him as a boyfriend (or prospect), but more as a friend (and not a "FWB" either).

In the long run, I know Kansas isn't good for me. But in the short run, I don't see it as a necessarily harmful relationship. At least I hope that's true. Maybe it's just potentially harmful. Much better. I can't fix him, change him or accept what we have as a substitute for the kind of relationship I want. The thing is, the "kind of relationship I want"--I don't want it right now. I can't take the pressure. I don't have the patience. And, that, I think, explains why Kansas looks good to me. But when I change, when I start feeling differently...I imagine that's when things will come to an end.

I feel a little bad for saying that. He's got no idea what's coming. I made a point to have a conversation with him this weekend about how I think we should be friends and why that is. He likes the status quo as much as I do. At least for now, we're on the same page. I do fear that he assumes we'll be moving things forward into "real relationship" territory eventually. If I ever know with certainty that he wants this to be "serious," but with no actual changes (like having real dates), then I will let it go, for real and for good. I'm not in this to torture some poor, sweet creature of habit. It only works if we're both happy.

I wonder how long that will last...

Grateful for: something approaching perspective.

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