Oh My God

Tonight, I find myself browsing the Yahoo personals. I have no intention of answering any ads, but I read a story about a guy with a service monkey (I'm not kidding) who posted an ad, and there is a link. I click through. Before I know it, I'm searching in my area.

I get to the third page and who do I find? Who? WHO? TIM. That's who. Says he's divorced. Active in the last 24 hours.

I consider calling Velvet and having her set him up for a fall. (Rejected: it's not my style.)

I should call Pele.

I stare at his pictures.

I feel slightly ill.

I can't fucking get away from this guy.

I call him.

J: How are you?
T: Fine.
J: Divorced yet?
T: What? No. I'm at the house right now.
J: Really. Cause I was just looking at the Yahoo personals. And I found you.
T: Oh.

Long silence. Very long. Then I hear a discussion between him and his wife.

Wife: Who is that?
T: It's Jamy.
W: What are you doing?
T: She called. I'm not doing anything. She called.
W: Why did you walk away?
T: I wanted some privacy.
W: That's rude. You're making her wait.
T: Ok, I'm going in here.

It's the first time I've heard her voice. She sounds...nice.

T: Hi.
J: Hi.
T: So...
J: So what are you doing? I feel like I got played.
T: You didn't get played.
J: No? Really?
T: No. I told you I was going back with my wife to try and work things out. That's what I'm doing.
J: I know this is awkward. I don't want to make things harder for you.

I start laughing. And I find myself laughing through most of the rest of the conversation. What else is there to do?

T: Why are you laughing?
J: Because this is hilarious. It's absurd. Why do you have that ad up? And it's not old.
T: I don't know. She thinks I should take it down too.
J: You should. You really should. I feel like I can't get away from you! I know it's not about me, it's not personal.
T: It's funny, I was thinking about you today. When I was making dinner.
J: Why?
T: I don't know. I was thinking I should call and see how you were. Say Happy Hanukah. But then I thought I shouldn't.
J: It's better that you didn't call. It would be for all the wrong reasons. It would give me the wrong idea. And then it would just gratify your vanity. This way, you can still be gratified and you won't give me the wrong impression. Cause obviously I still care or I wouldn't be upset about this.
T: Thanks for that.

I laugh. I am hilarious.

T: How are you?
J: I'm fine. I was thinking about you too. I was worried that I might run into you this weekend.
T: Oh? Where.
J: At this pub crawl....
T: We're going to a concert on Saturday. (He provides details. We talk about the concert. I think, how mature of them.)
J: Well, that's good.

I hear his wife talking indistinctly in the background.

T: I better let you go.
J: You mean you have to go or your wife is going to get mad at you.
T: Yes.
J: Look, at least tell me how you are, because I'm never going to talk to you again. I know, why do I say that, it's not true, whatever. Just tell me.
T: I'm good. I'm doing well. How are you?
J: I'm fine. I just had a guy tell me that I'm single by choice. I could have a boyfriend if I wanted.
T: Oh, who is he?
J: A guy who wants to be my boyfriend, I suppose.
T: So, why don't you make him your boyfriend?
J: You don't get to be my boyfriend just because you're male. I like him. But, well, it's not that.
T: How did you meet him?
J: Oh, well, I haven't known him that long. Ok, you better go. Take care.
T: You too.

Whew. Crazy. Funny. So OVER.

Grateful that: I don't have to worry about running into him on Saturday. Color me pleased.

P.S. There is no need to tell me that Tim is a player or that I should get over him. I did what I had to do and I don't regret it. I would have stewed otherwise and that is not acceptable. Moving along now. Moving right along.