Blue

What a difference a day makes.

When I last wrote about Sailor, I was feeling good. Not anxious, not worried, not rushed.

Today, I feel sad. I spent yesterday out of the office, with my brother from Israel (B2). We did our usual…a little shopping for the kids, a slice of Kosher pizza and lots of talking as I drove him to where he needed to be. We get along well, we had a nice time, but when I got back home I was so beat, I could barely move. I managed to talk on the phone, eat some dinner and watch tv, but writing or exercising was out of the question.

Work was fine today. Moderately busy with meetings and other miscellaneous tasks. (I spent a pitiful 15 minutes reading that damn report—contest winners announced sometime later this week.) But as the day has worn on, I’ve felt lower and lower. No word from Sailor, nor any expectation of one, yet the hope that was there is fading.

I am sad, but the other guy who I’ve had several dates with recently, Kenny, has been calling, so maybe I should be happy. I want to be happy. I want the fellow that is showing interest to be the one who I want. But he’s not and it makes me sad. And I feel shallow and guilty about it. Oy.

Maybe it was better just last week when I didn’t feel any of this but I did feel happy and comfortable in the life I’ve carved out for myself. I want to stop wanting something else because it’s so painfully disappointing when it doesn’t happen.

I told the story of my “date” with Sailor to Pele and CK and they were encouraging. But when I mentioned to my mom and Nancy that he declined to walk me home, they both had the same reaction, “That’s bad.” Nancy even went as far to say, “I’m done with Sailor.”

Sigh. I guess I’m still sighing about him, but for a different reason.

(Aside: the opinions of my friends and mother may have more to do with them than the particular situation. Pele can be counted on to agree with what ever premise I put out there, unless it’s particularly outrageous. To her credit, she was always discouraging about Kansas. Her disapproval was palpable (and appropriate)—a first for us, I’d say. CK is similar but tends to express fewer opinions, unless it’s clear the guy is no good. Nancy always expresses opinions but tends to be a bit harsher and more realistic than Pele. Mom can be counted on to see the worst case no matter what. Thus, it’s not surprising that when I told a happy story to Pele and CK, they had positive reactions and when I told a happy story to Mom she saw something negative. When I told Nancy the story today, and it was still a happy story, even though I was feeling sad, it was most interesting that she zeroed in on exactly the same thing as Mom. That is unusual.)

It’s funny, I think I may come through this sad feeling prepared to be friends with him. That would be good. I’m also prepared not to be friends. But it was fun and happy to think it could be more. Of course, that is still a faint possibility but if the potential were there, I don’t think I’d be this bummed out. The gut is speaking and it’s usually right. In terms of action, I won’t take any, but if I hear from Sailor, that would be mighty fine.

Onward.

Grateful for: chances.