Chat not

On Saturday, I chatted online with yet another JDate guy. He was a 50-year-old widower with teenage kids--a professor at a university in a not-too-distant state. I didn't find our chat all that compelling, but he seemed non-crazy and wasn't very annoying. He asked me to lunch on Monday because he was going to be in DC for business. I agreed.

We talked, briefly, on Monday to firm up the plans. I had a bad feeling. I thought, "I'm making a terrible mistake." Even though I'd given him the name and the address of the restaurant twice he went to the wrong place. He called and I told him he was at the wrong place. It was an easy enough mistake to make, but why wasn't he paying attention or writing things down?

When I saw him, I wasn't attracted or horrified. He had a sloppy belly and wore a schlumpy suit. I could have ignored that, but I didn't think he was handsome. As the date wore on, I didn't get a sense of his personality and he did not become more attractive.

Still, it wasn't a disaster. I talked and he was a good listener. I was afraid of what he might say, so I talked, talked, talked. I didn't share anything particularly personal, though I did recount my recent run of Israel talk. In his favor, he just shook his head and did not force me to have that conversation again. He asked me about my attitude towards relationships. I said I wanted to get married and have kids. He said my focus on marriage was a "strategy" and possibly not a good one. He didn't understand how I rule guys in or out. He asked how long it took me to know if I was interested. I said I usually knew as soon as I met a guy if I was interested. But that upon further conversation, an attractive man could become unappealing and a not so good looking guy could become very attractive. I said I did require my boyfriends to find me attractive, "I don't have time to convince them I'm good looking. They need to be enthusiastic about how I look."

He said, "You're attractive."

I said, "Thank you. But I don't expect everyone to find me attractive." Really, I wasn't fishing for compliments. Never hurts, though, I suppose.

He was a good sounding board for some of the things that are on my mind. We said goodbye and shook hands and there was no mention of future contact. My impression was that I talked too much and he wasn't interested. I was relieved.

Later that night, he IMd me. He didn't just IM me, he drunk IMd me. What is the IM equivalent of a booty call? Whatever it is, that's what he did. I present the transcript below. I've compressed some of the lines--he wrote in two or three word bursts--but I've left our typos, misspellings and bad grammar in so you can get the full, drunken effect (I was not drunk, but a little tired, so I have typos too).

Prof: hi there. it was really a pleasure to meet you

Jamy: hi. you too. I was going to write an email...but thank you very much for lunch today. sorry for bending your ear! but it was an interesting talk.

Prof: don't be silly. it was really a pleasure to meet you. you are very beautiful. and clearly very smart. i was very impressed. really.

Jamy: well, ok then. thanks. Prof: ok then? what the f--- does that mean? i had a few drinks at this reception ready to bare my soul to you. what does THAT mean lol?

Jamy: nothing! it just means...i'm surprised you had such a positive reaction! geez.

Prof: lol you are so damned cute want to come to my hotel for a drink? or a snack? i feel like the big bad wolf. lol

Jamy: oh dear. no thank you. you are drunk IMing!

Prof: oh dear? calling ME dear? stop being so much smarter than me

Jamy: not much smarter...

Prof: lol so what was your impression? honestly? Jamy: i don't know--I did all the talking!

Prof: felt like i wasnt forthcoming enough? come here for a drink. i will tell you the story of my life. and look...no typos

Jamy: no, you are a good listener. and you seemed to get it.

Prof: so i am not THAT drunk. i get it. i am not dumb.

Jamy: but some stuff you did not get. so that was interesting.

Prof: and the most satisfying thing in the world to me. what didn't i get? taunting me?

Jamy: no, not taunting. like, you thought I was all "you must agree to marry me immediately! or else!" but you were surprised to find I'm not that way. that's all.

Prof: i know. so why arent we having dinner tonight. i have a confession to make. i wasn't that turned on at the outset. but as i talk to you i was totally intrigued

Jamy: see, you had that growing attraction thing! ah ha! why weren't you that turned on at the outset? [Curiosity got the better of me.]

Prof: not sure. to be honest. i think we should discuss it in person. come on over. i mean it. ill pay for the cab. buy you dinner or a snack. whatever

Jamy: not pretty enough? oh, you mean you didn't like personality at first? Let me say it clearly: I am not coming over. It doesn't matter how much you ask.

Prof: you are so cruel

Jamy: just honest.

Prof: we dont have to go upstairs. we could if you wanted lol. dinner in the lobby. open book here. take advantage of it lol.

Jamy: thanks for the offer, really. but i'm in for the night. pjs and all. i have to get up early in the am.

Prof: you are making a mistake. a career move.

Jamy: how's that? [Curiosity again.]

Prof: phone. back later

[Prof goes offline. Comes back about 30 minutes later.]

Prof: so what did YOU think of our lunch? are you smitten lol?

Jamy: what do you want me to say?

Prof: be honest. i am being honest.

Jamy: i am not smitten, but you seem like a decent man. intelligent, thoughtful.

Prof: sounds like youre interviewing for a new librarian lol

Jamy: hardy har har.

Prof: har har. funny. you would have had dinner with me tonight if i had asked earlier? right? [I would not have had dinner with him.]

Jamy: i get librarian a lot with the glasses.

Prof: you dont look like a librarian to me. very sexy. intelligent which is a MASSIVE turn on to me. didnt you feel like we both really relaxed toward the end of the lunch? i sure did.

Jamy: yes, we relaxed. i agree.

Prof: it was fun. i really appreciated you

Jamy: good. i'm glad you had a good time. Prof: i mean it. but in my heart. i am not at all sure. in fact less than sure that i coudl give you what you want. at least not in the short term. know what i mean?

Jamy: yes.

Prof: i fucked up alot of things in my life. in my marriage. i refuse to be less than honest now. although it sure would have been fun to have brought you back here to my room tonight after a romantic dinner

Jamy: it's not what i want.

Prof: and watched our friendship develop. thats pretty honest isnt it. i know that thats why its a nonstarter. alas bet you are a pleaser between the sheets if you know what i mean

Jamy: sigh. i'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.

Prof: in what sense?

Jamy: you seem to think I would have come back to your room if we had dinner. that was not going to happen.

Prof: alas. i didnt think that actually. want to hear something really weird? freaky? i dont rally want sex. i want intimacy. i want to open up to someone. bare my soul. be REAL friends. trust

Jamy: but you hardly talked at all!

Prof: naked is VERY secondary in my mind. the thing is

Jamy: if that's what you want, it takes time. [But hopefully not anymore of my time.]

Prof: that once i am THAT intimate with a woman

Jamy: oh...men! men can only do that after sex. Prof: then i want to sleep with her too lol

Jamy: right, i know that.

Prof: know what?

Jamy: that men find it easier to open up after sex.

Prof: not me but once i open up i want it all

Jamy: well, maybe it's just as well you didn't open up! i'm not prepared for that. [Because I don't like you!]

Prof: for what? sex with an old geyser. great chest hair can be sexy

Jamy: i'm just not right there with you. though I'm flattered.

Prof: you are? you have a beautiful face. intelligent

Jamy: sure, you think i'm sexy, you want to have sex with me, you want to confide in me...it's flattering. it's just not a good idea.

Prof: oh well. you are sexy. lovely face

Jamy: thank you.

Prof: you are most welcome

Jamy: I think we should say goodnight.

Prof: ok. goodnight

Jamy: goodnight. and thank you again for lunch.

Prof: you are most welcome. i wish you well

Jamy: you too.

The guy's a recent widower. I didn't want to crush him, which is the only reason I chatted with him for so long. But, boy, way to misread my nonexistent signals. I did not find him attractive. I feel kind of sorry for him though, reading over what he wrote. He just wants to connect with someone and who can blame him?

On Tuesday night the Prof IMd me again. I was not feeling generous. He asked if I missed him. I said no. He said ouch and asked if I was charmed. I said no, that getting a drunken IM booty call was not so charming. He said that he was kidding and that if I'd actually shown up at his hotel he would have turned me down. That is possible, but I didn't believe him and said I was annoyed. He got it and said goodbye. Now maybe he'll leave me alone. Sigh. I try so hard to be kind but they sure don't make it easy.

The same night, I heard from Pie-guy. (He has initiated every contact except for the very first time I emailed him--and that message was not about pie.) He wanted to know what my weekend availability was like. I think he's serious. I'm seriously weirded out by it.

Grateful for: [forgot to answer! it was just that bad.]